Sleep is one of my favorite things in the world. My mother claims I took two naps a day until I was in kindergarten. She called me her little sleeper. Since Kiran died sleep has been very difficult. Often as I am drifting off to sleep I will remember a moment of the night he died, and my eyes will SNAP open, like I have been slapped hard in the face. I have to get out of bed, force myself to do other things until I can’t help but fall asleep. Sometimes the cycle happens a few times in a night.

Much of days before Kiran died are off limits to me. I actively avoid thinking about it. In my head it’s almost like a movie I saw once. I can recall the details if I want to, but I have to focus on it. It’s no wonder these memories flood me at my most vulnerable, the precious moments before sleep.

I have learned to function on less sleep, and to appreciate moments of distraction. I still want to nap twice a day, but it’s clear those days are over.

Well, this year was better than last year. Sekhar’s b-day is always close by so it adds an element of difficulty to this period of time. Last year we just pretended that his b-day and mother’s day didn’t exist. We simply ignored it. It didn’t really work. It was awful.

This year I want to give thanks to my own mom. You’d think I would be a better daughter after losing my own child. But, no. I am no great prize. My mom gets the full brunt of my emotions, and she still calls the next day to make sure I am ok. It is important to recognize Kiran’s death hasn’t only changed mine and Sekhar’s lives.

I also want to take a moment to be thankful that I had the great luck to be Kiran’s mom, albeit short. I like to think he picked us to be his parents. I have said it before, but it bears saying again, I am a better person for having known him. When I think something is difficult I remember the openness and perseverance of my boy. He was a gift.