Sleep is one of my favorite things in the world. My mother claims I took two naps a day until I was in kindergarten. She called me her little sleeper. Since Kiran died sleep has been very difficult. Often as I am drifting off to sleep I will remember a moment of the night he died, and my eyes will SNAP open, like I have been slapped hard in the face. I have to get out of bed, force myself to do other things until I can’t help but fall asleep. Sometimes the cycle happens a few times in a night.

Much of days before Kiran died are off limits to me. I actively avoid thinking about it. In my head it’s almost like a movie I saw once. I can recall the details if I want to, but I have to focus on it. It’s no wonder these memories flood me at my most vulnerable, the precious moments before sleep.

I have learned to function on less sleep, and to appreciate moments of distraction. I still want to nap twice a day, but it’s clear those days are over.