There have been so many changes in the last 4 months. New town, new home, new jobs, new lives… People have been happy for us – we were starting anew and moving on with our lives. There a lot of truth to it – being shaken out of your usual routine and dropped in a new environment does force you to live in the moment and even start planning for the future.
Kiran is still a central part of our lives. Tricia and I think and talk about him all the time. What would he think of our new digs? What would our big boy be doing now? Every time we go into a store we think about what he would need now – what would we be buying him. For the most part the sadness is more wistful than overwhelming these days, though there are still nights I curl up into a ball and cry.
The strangest thing about this move is that very few people here know about Kiran. Even those who do – only know him as the son who died – nothing more, and no one brings him up in conversation. No one knows about his wicked sense of humor, his sense of fun, or what a joy he was in our lives. I’ve become quite good at saying “We had one.” when people ask me how many children we have. I explain that Kiran died almost two years ago, and then the conversation moves on to other less depressing topics. There seems to be such a disconnect between past and present. I think it’s time to put up some photos in my office.
Its been 5 months since I last wrote. I still think about writing every week – but I can’t seem to find the focus to sit down and write. Let me take that back. Its easy to write – to put down the raw feelings and thoughts that swirl around my head – not so easy to filter and think about your writing. I’m always conscious that once I publish something – its out there and I can’t take it back. And so my inner demon edits and paraphrases and sanitizes.