Kiran and Ravi are both Sanskrit names.  Ravi means sun and Kiran means ray of light.   By necessity they are interconnected.  I wonder if that was wishful thinking on our part in naming Ravi?  Though Ravi and Kiran never met, maybe we wanted to bind them together.   That’s a lot of baggage to hoist on a 6 month old.  Yes – Ravi turned 1/2 a year old a few days ago and then rolled over the next day.  Ravi is a joy – a wonderful boy – albeit with a wicked temper (where did that come from?). Overall he has kept us grounded in the moment.  You don’t get much time to think when you have a little one who has you on a leash.

Yet, when Tricia takes him up  to bed and the house goes quiet in the night, I can’t shake the feeling that we should also have a 6 year old boy that I should be playing with, reading to and putting to bed.  We’re going through Kiran’s clothes and toys again trying to see what Ravi can (and is allowed to) use – and all the memories come flooding back – good and bad.  Watching Ravi I realize all over again how hard Kiran worked to do some simple things.  I’m glad that he was still able to be a happy, secure child.

I catch myself staring at Ravi some days and wonder if he is real.  I can’t think about his long term future – and don’t imagine him as a grown up or even as a school-going boy.  I’m sure that’s not normal, but I still don’t trust the future enough for that.